Kusum Saxena, based in California, writes on the ups and downs of sibling relationships
I first met Sarah on a visit to my sister’s house. They were good friends and Sarah used to make a yearly sojourn from Germany to my sister’s place in India. On one particular morning, while at breakfast and sharing happy banter, I noticed Sarah’s eyes glistening with tears. I wondered what caused her to tear up, and gently inquired. Sarah said, “I can’t believe that two sisters can share such a great and nurturing bond like you two. I wish I could have an iota of this sort of kinship with my sister.” Between quiet sobs, Sarah narrated a bit of their troubled history, and said that though she had made several efforts to have a cordial relationship with her sister, her attempts had been consistently rebuffed.
Sarah’s words stayed with me long after she had settled. My relationship with my sister was diametrically opposed to Sarah’s. It had led me to think that it’s easier for siblings to bond in a friendly and caring way, if they feel they have their parent’s affection and attention. Living together in early years, they come to know each other’s strength and weaknesses, and the fact of knowing each other well provides a strong baseline of comfort and security between them. This had certainly been the case with my sister and me. Our childhood affinity and ability to laugh at our mistakes and weaknesses without any fear of judgement, pretension and deceit, helped us remain good friends and trusted confidantes in adulthood, despite our differing personalities. In contrast, Sarah’s account of her long-standing negative experiences with her sister presented a different perspective on sibling relationship.
Sibling rivalry is fairly common especially between children who are not too far apart in age. The family becomes their first crucible for interaction and competition, and nature and nurture can fan this rivalry. We are born with certain proclivities. If those lean towards the negative in a child, then their behavior and reactions could become challenging for their siblings, and for their parents to manage. Sometimes the triggers for rivalry can be as simple as the first born who is accustomed to enjoying the parent’s undivided attention and affection, suddenly getting confronted with the arrival of a brother or sister. Having to share the parental attention and affection can create resentment and jealousy towards the new born. If the older child is also quite young at the time, and can’t yet give their jealousy a verbal expression, their resentment can manifest itself by trying to physically harm the younger sibling, or becoming withdrawn, or overly aggressive and demanding in other ways. For other kids, the advent of a sibling can be an occasion to celebrate, nurture and fuss over that child. Similarly for some younger siblings, even the innocuous hand-me-downs, for example, can become an emotional bone of contention, while for others they are a non-issue.
Those of us with brothers and sisters will find that our sibling relationship falls somewhere on the spectrum of siblings as collaborators at the one end to siblings as competitors and rivals at the other (though hopefully never to the scale of Cain and Abel). Extreme sibling rivalry in adulthood often dates back to unresolved problems in childhood, and perhaps a family and social environment that had overt expressions of attention or affection towards one child versus the others, or fostered unfair comparison or competition between siblings. I’ve had adult clients tell me that they are jealous of their sibling because since childhood to the present day, everything came easy to their sibling while they had to work extremely hard to get somewhat similar results, be it as praise or performance in academics or in their personal and professional lives.
Ideally, in a family or household where there is love but also rules, children will learn about expectations, responsibility and the consequence of their actions. Parents play a significant role in helping their children build a positive sibling relationship early-on, and mitigate rivalry. Planning fun family time and outdoor trips, and creating a cooperative environment in joint activities where their children learn to share and care for each other, can kindle a bond between siblings. When there is conflict between the siblings and the parents need to intervene, it’s best to do so in an impartial way without comparison of one child’s attitude or behavior to the other/s. Celebrating each child’s unique personality is also a better way forward than unfair comparisons that create resentment and inferiority complex. What can also help build a bond between children when they are young, is their parents recounting the kind or loving acts by one sibling towards another. This strengthens the notion in children’s mind that there is succor in seeing one’s siblings as supportive collaborators, rather than as acrimonious competitors.
So either due to the early constructive guidance by parents or the efforts of the siblings themselves, many childhood rivalries do get resolved. Certain issues which hurt as children in their younger years are likely to be sorted out by the passage of time and any perceived or real offences forgiven as they grow up, gain life experience, and an understanding of relationships. Often then, the importance of having a healthy relationship with one’s sibling becomes clear and they are willing to make an effort to achieve that.
However, in instances where the childhood issues of jealousy or conflict are not moderated by parents in the early years, or by the siblings themselves as they get a little older, they become deep rooted and can create life-long toxic rivalry or an emotional disconnect. When these relationships sour, the very fact of knowing one’s sibling well can also be used as an emotional weapon against them.
Interestingly, I’ve noticed that active sibling rivalries that carry on into adulthood, versus just a passive distancing, seem more pronounced in same-sex siblings. An unfortunate aspect of such rivalries is that they pull not just the adversarial siblings, but also their families into an unpleasant dynamic.
It’s good to bear in mind though that there is no perfect relationship between any two individuals, even those sprung from the same womb. It’s also human to complain and sometimes offend each other in a family. However, when there’s a background of mutual trust, these differences are just a blip on the radar of life.
